Raine Cloud

T-5 hours…

Then I’ll be off to college!

Hiding My Heart

Sung by Adele

Beautiful song.

Interesting

I’m actually eager about leaving for college. I’ve spent the entire summer dreading the day I would have to leave this place I call home, but things are different now.

All I can say is that it’s been quite an eventful summer. Some people walked out, while others walked in. Others simply changed. I probably did too somewhere along the line. So many things have changed, I’m not sure what the reality is anymore.

I can’t wait for vacation to end, as weird as that sounds. I’ve done so many things I regret. I woke up tonight to find myself sweaty and heaving. Even my dreams are plagued with everything I wish I could take back or re-do. 

What makes this worse is feeling like I need to deal with it alone. Some would probably argue that there is no other way for me to figure things out than on my own, but would it hurt to have someone next to my while I figured everything out? 

Lonely. I guess that’s the word I want. Usually, losing myself in a sea of people takes care of everything, but I think I’ve grown immune to it. I guess it’s actually possible to still feel lonely despite the number of acquaintances, phone contacts, and facebook friends we have. 

I paused just now because I remembered what someone very dear to me said. She told me that one of the biggest promises college offered her was a new beginning. I didn’t give this any thought when she first said it, but it resonates with me now. 

I’m ready for a new beginning. Hopefully, I won’t screw it up this time around. 

Ils disent que les gens avec les plus brillants sourires ont les secrets les plus sombres.

You know what else sucks?

I realize that the reason why I’m so pathetically desperate to find someone new is because in some twisted way, I think it’ll help me get over you. Wrong I know. Ugh.

There are so many things I want to say to you.

Here I am writing up another storm. It always happens when the emotions are stirred and all you want to do is bleed the pain out onto something so pure like paper or this white computer screen. 

I feel stupid. It’s been weeks, months even, and talking to you throws me off balance like nothing else does. It feels so real when we talk. Just like when everything was perfect between you and I. You know, when the world disappears… the music turns into a soft lull… and nothing else matters. My troubles melt away and I forget all my fears. For that fleeting moment, I’m happy. Simply happy. 

Then I snap out of my dream and fall back down to reality. I remember the tears. I unearth everything we had buried away. And finally, I’m back to the present, but I’d be lying if I were to say I were really here.

Our conversation goes on, but now I know that this isn’t real. You talk to me the same way you used to, but it isn’t the same. Not one bit.

I tear myself away from you. I literally need to physically pry myself away from you. This is why I can never see you again… touch you again. Getting the slightest bit close to you, would mean risking all the progress I’ve made since we parted ways. Ha, what progress? Have I really made any progress if the simplest exchange between us can launch me into a fury of emotions? So what can I do?

I stay away. I resist the urge to run back to you, the desire to get it all back, the yearning to spill my insides out. What can I do?

If you only knew what I wanted to say to you. 

I need…

something to soothe the mind and body tonight.

EMERGENCY

I can’t find my copy of “The Little Prince”! 

I have destroyed my mini library and my parents’ bedroom…

Where are youuuuuuu!